Busy.. that’s where.

I sit here.. sick.. head throbbing in pain.. knee in pain.. hungry but fearfull that if I eat I will just be sicker.. and really upset.
First. the knee. Ostioarthritis. Constant pain. shots start the 22nd. go for 5 weeks. add lubrication and some “Shock absorbing” to that knee. see how that goes. I hate needles.

Second. Frustration. My brother is getting married… or already is.. I have no clue. why.. because his inconsiderate two faced girlfriend made sure to exclude Jaime and I from the wedding. She plans it in California near a holiday weekend and has no consideration for anyone. Her words when it was initially mentioned where ‘Everyone who is important has a place to stay in california. My family in Phoenix will stay with my familyt there”. she more or less said that my brother’s side of the family is shit. She’s Two faced and lies about everything. She tells my parent’s what they want to hear… goes out to California in their car.. gets drunk.. drives their car drunk.. so many things. She has posted how no one cares about her or my nephew. When we where living there we offered time and time again to watch Ben.. but she said no.. but when she needs someone to watch him and everyone is busy it’s because we don’t care. Her and Joe had the kid. 18 years of them taking care of him. Ben comes frist. Not a night out drinking and being stupid. She has the responsibility. She needs to grow up.

I don’t want to sound like I am perfect here. Far from it. We go out and drink.. Usually with the LC ppl at a Get together or birthday party. We bring stuff. Spend a little money and have fun with friends. Difference is we don’t have a child at home. We take care of us. If we choose to go out and get drunk we pay the piper the next day and deal with a hangover.  Responsablity. some people have no concept of it.

Work.. ahh work. Part of me wants to hang out there and wait and see what the next 60 days brings.. and part wants to jump ship for more money elsewhere. for now I hang on.

Going to google some home remodies for flu/cold now.

Here I sit in the hospital.. I have a Small TV to watch.. my Laptop w/ Internet to keep my mind in other places. Stress is so high. Over the last few weeks I have been rather ill. At points I couldn’t keep food in my system. If it wasn’t coming out one way.. it was coming out the other. Jaime has also been sick.. sicker than me by far. I have spent a few days off work. I pushed and went in a few times but didn’t make it through the day. Due to this I was let go from my job.

Now some say this is going to be a bad thing. I am looking at it different. If I would have stayed at work all night last night till 11pm Jaime would have been at the hospital alone in the ER for over 10 hours. Because I was fired early in my shift she was alone for only 4. Upon getting to the hospital I discovered Free WiFi (Past history shows that bringing a laptop to the hospital is a good idea. Movies.. games.. ect can pass time) I sent a resume to another company and got a call back this morning. As soon as I have the info from the Dr. on what we need to do with Jaime and what her diagnosis is I am going to call. May start work as soon as Monday. The office is closer than GD.. The pay is about the same.. and the company is smaller so I hope my skills will be utilized and advancement will come fast.

Looking back I have to say that GD has some great people there. Certain supervisors are in my top 4 people I Have ever worked with. Working odd hours like 3rd shift and having a supervisor that is as understanding as the one I had is hard to find. They showed honest care and concern.

Right now I think my biggest frustration is with the Legal Dept. They more or less pulled the cord on the guillotine that ended my employment. I had supervisor backing that they understood. I was making sales.. and most of all my Customer Feedback Surveys where coming back weekly at 100%. I had numerous emails that where sent back saying “Ken went above and beyond”.

So life goes on. I hope to have Jaime home soon. I hope to have her better ASAFP (F is for FREAKING).. and I hope to have a job starting monday.

341 miles full to bone dry in my xb. I now know that for a fact

So.. I figure if nothing else Matt will come home from SLC with something to read.. and I get to get a post up to let ppl know I am alive.

Can’t sleep.. don’t know why.. don’t care much but it will catch up with me later and I know it.. took 2.5 days off work.. sick.. nausea.. other things.. made a dr visit.. got my note.. some drugs and sent home for clear liquids and rest.. yeah.. right.. rest.. when you have 1000 things to do and a house full of box’s rest is not possible.

Moved.. well almost.. got a few things left to grab at storage. Been so busy haven’t gotten the last of it yet. small stuff.. 2 trips in a toaster will do it (Toaster = Scion xB to clear that up)

Having odd issues as of late. Panic/Anxiety attacks for little or no reason. My attitude is rather bad to some people. I try to say “it’s not you it’s just me being upset with others” but they seem to not understand. With new insurance maybe I can get this stuff straight.

Some of the things that bother me I have so little if any control over. My sister and her leukemia. Ten years to tell me.. and the Cancer in her jaw. I find out via myspace she has surgery. Not how I want to know. I guess it’s much like me and my bi-polar.. knowing myself is hard enough but trying to tell others and explain the assinine details of how it works and how it effects you daily is much like trying to explain quantum physics to a  two year old.. they hear blah blah blah..

I guess I feel that I am over sensitive in some respects and under sensitive in others. Certain aspects of daily life hit me so hard and others that some think are massive to me are just little things. I know that I have people out there who care and will talk to me but I guess asking is the hardest part.  The fact that it seems I get more and more suicidal every day scares me.. but in the same aspect I hate the thought of my life being ruled by a pill/drug. I control it as much as I can but at times it’s overwhelming to no end. I was unpacking a box.. and found cards from the last few years and as I opened them I closed them quickly. Some from family or friends.. one from the ex.. I swore at the last move I threw all that away. Part of me wanted to just sit and cry.. another to put them in a pile and burn it all.. and another just die right there. I feel at times my life is a pointless and constant battle. the fights with others. it’s just overwhelming.

So here I sit.. trying to fix a website… what else does a geek do at 4:45 am on a sat morning.

This is more or less a copy/paste from forums since I am lazy and don’t want to type it again.

About 12:30 last night the wife and I where getting ready to go to bed.. winding down for the day. We hear the sounds of a car impacting another. Normal reaction for me is to go and help. I run out to see a small 4 door car against the wall and a Ford pickup spun with front end damage. This scene is getting to be common at the intersection here. The east/west street has no stop sign and the north/south does. the car ran the stop sign. I yell at the driver of the truck and he says him and his wife (5 months pregnant) where ok. I head for the car to find 2 small girls. One 5 the other 7. the 7yo has some blood on her face from the impact. I see another girl who I find out is the older sister 13yo. I ask if there is anyone else.. Her father and 10yo brother are in the car. They are both in really bad shape. I am trying to access this as the wife is on the phone. 911 tells her they have people on the way. A passing Cruiser stops and I argue with the cop.. it’s a rather rushed scene and very traumatic. My wife ended up watching the little boy pass away. He suffered a severe head trauma.

A few things make this harder. I had a severe language barrier. the 13yo girl spoke english as did the other 2 girls.. but the family.. they did not. thankfully my future sister-in-law was out there and is bi-lingual. We ended up sitting out on the corner for another 2 hours. This morning the scene still has things over there. There is a backboard, towels.. and the cover they put over the little boy. we have called to have it taken care of.. but the horror and the images will never go away.

So how do the people who see and deal with this. Everyday you see this stuff. Do you just go numb to it. How does one shrug off the death of a child due to the negligence of adults.

I am going to go find something to put up over there.. a small wreath or something. Plans to start something.. get a 4 way stop.. something out here need to be made.. Hell at this point I think standing on the corner with a sign would be a start.. My mom said that no one has ever died because of the accidents out here.. and now.. I know at least one child has.. and maybe his father as well.

I guess we all take life for granted until we see it end tramatically and far to soon. I am all for people who do things as stupid as drinking and driving to end up hurt, jailed, or even loose their lives. If you act in a way that puts yourself at risk it is your choice. As soon as you start impacting others and not letting them decide you have done wrong. I have felt for a long time that natural selection is failing. To many people who do asinine things like try to change the light bulb over the swimming pool standing on the metal ladder with the power on live.. but at the same time to see the life of a 10year old boy be taken.. to have his blood upon my hands.. and know that there was nothing I could do but try to help and make no difference.. it’s rather hard to deal with..

I am outta here.. going to go find something.. if there is any way possible to take my mind off this..

Ohh and we are moving.. next week.. oh what fun that will be.

I posted.. and.. then it’s gone..

Matt said he commented.. and Posty said he saw it..

Going to have to look into this..

Seems the host ate my post.

SO.. here it is.. yet again.. first time was rather early this morning and I have gotten about 3 hours sleep since then so forgive me if it’s not word for word.

This post was to be posted on Tues the 12th.. Due to being sick I am a bit behind. I am running behind on a long list of things. but this was the one thing I had been wanting to do for a long time.

So.. onward

1 year ago I started a new chapter of life (sounds rather cliche but so fitting) I had left Texas on a sat morning. driven across 4 states and 1400 miles and on Feb 12th Jaime and I started our lives together. It’s been a long year.. all kinds of ups and downs.. and through it all we had each other. we have traveled a few thousand miles together ( Back to texas.. to dallas a few times.. to Az and back. .and then the move back to Az.. ) we have had good days and bad.. we have grown and changed.. but through it all we have had each other. June 22nd will be the 1yr of married life.. but day 1 is a day to remember as well.

so.. again a rather cliche thing.. but 1 down.. and a lifetime to go. together.

** THIS POST WILL BE PLACED BACK WHERE IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ORIGINALLY

I did a ton of work.. got my stuff up to date.. got the blog roll working.. everything was peachy.. and the server went down..

so.. someday.. I will fix that..

until then.. work is keeping me busy.

Thats what I have sold today..

One Customer did 1700+ in domains then 7500+ on a dedicated server.

I will likely loose the dedicated server money.. but will keep the domains.

Took FOREVER to get it to go.. a lot of leg work and IM’s on my part.. but got it done.. over 11k for the period now.. but after they take that 7.5k.. I will still be at about 4100.. enough to make bonus..

FINALLY!!!!

I started to sell stuff.. like.. good sell stuff.. like.. make money..

I know the tech.. I can sell the products if they need them.. I just need to refine some things..

3rd shift.. getting the hang of this stuff.